You can get all types of relationship advice depending on who you talk to. The advice varies depending on if you are talking to a friend, a parent, someone who is married or someone who isn’t even in a relationship; and oftentimes one tip might conflict with another.
Not every tip works for everyone and sometimes an anomaly might work for you. But in general, here are some crappy relationship myths that more often than not, can be harmful.
Crossing off anyone from your list who doesn’t give you “butterflies” early on is a fast way of missing out on good people. You can talk to hundreds and even thousands of couples who are happily married and many of them will tell you they didn’t feel an instant spark.
While that sure would be nice and easy, life doesn’t work that way. Marriage is more than a feeling — it’s a partnership! Just because the spark isn’t instantly there, doesn’t mean it won’t come. If someone seems genuine and interesting, the feeling of more will come too.
This advice is given to both men and women. If everyone started following this tip, then no one would pursue anyone else and we would all end up single. This advice turns marriage into a game and starting out a relationship with games is unhealthy.
It is important to let the person know you are interested and keep up with the conversation. However, not showing interest just so one will run after you is when you turn it into a game.
Age can get very tricky. In some instances, age is just a number and in other instances, it is experience and maturity. So, should you be looking for someone within a certain age range? The truth is you can certainly have an age range in mind, but it should not be very limited. For example, I’ve heard many men (and their mothers) say they want a girl between 21–25 years old, while the potential groom is 30. Not only does that limit your choices, but it’s also based on a bias of “marriageable age.”
What actually matters is the person’s experiences, maturity, and how they view life, love, partnership, and religion. Remember, the Prophet’s (SAW) first wife, Khadija, was older than him and their love story is one we look up to.
I absolutely hate this piece of advice. Yes, it is great that your family and friends think you are amazing and no one is good enough for you, but this tip is actually very destructive and arrogant. We already know that in our deen, “better” is what Allah (SWT) knows is in our hearts.
When someone tells you that you deserve better, it also feeds your ego and arrogance. You are not a prize to be won and you are no better than anyone else. That doesn’t mean you don’t have standards, but don’t assume you can get a better person because you may be more conventionally “better looking” or have more money than someone. Look at someone’s character, personality and the way they treat you.
This tip is actually just a rationalization of bad behavior. Of course, your partner should understand you and help you if you are struggling or having a bad day, but people take this too far. Just because someone doesn’t want to fuel your bad behavior further, doesn’t mean they aren’t a good person. We have to learn how to manage our emotions and not dump them on someone else.
Now, next time you hear these tips you will know to steer clear of them. Keep these things in mind as you look for your life partner.
May Allah (swt) guide you to the one who completes half your deen. Ameen!