There’s a lot of things one needs when beginning the process of finding love and marriage. Marital readiness means different things for different people. For some it means stability in career, finances or mental health. For others, it means being armed with the education of what it means to be a good wife or husband. I believe all of the above are essential. Yet, one thing that is too often overlooked as a necessity to start is confidence.
Having confidence in oneself will allow you to survive the highs and lows of courtship. Not only do you need confidence to make the first move (e.g. asking for their number), but you need confidence and resilience when (happens to everyone) you get rejected. If you tap into your inner strength and really understand your worth, you will be able to endure the potentially turbulent journey to marriage.
Confidence: a feeling of self-assurance arising from one's appreciation of one's own abilities or qualities.” (Oxford Dictionary)
Having confidence requires an understanding of oneself. Do you value yourself? What abilities or talents do you have that make you proud? Are you a good student, child, friend, or servant of God? What are some things in life that gave you an extra pep in your step? Focusing on your positive attributes can inspire confidence in yourself.
When talking to a potential, you should try to exert this confidence. People love people who are comfortable in their own shoes. They want to be with people that inspire and encourage them to be the best version of themselves. Oftentimes, we can only do that for other people, if we feel good about ourselves. Confidence is that thing that grows from the self love you should harness.
Maybe you’re still learning about yourself. Maybe you are shy to recognize your accomplishments and talents. If so, you might want to take a pause on your search for a spouse until you have done more homework to discover what makes you, you. If you’re proud of yourself and have a positive outlook on what you’re doing in life, then your potential partner will see this and want to be around you. Individuals that are still in need of working on themselves may not have the mental and emotional capacity to enter a relationship.
People that do not have confidence will have a harder time entering (or staying in) the dating or courtship culture that has a lot of bumps. If you get ghosted, or rejected or hurt by the other party, you need a certain level of resilience to pick yourself up. Being able to tap into that inner strength and confidence will lead you to making smarter decisions because you will be less likely to enter or remain in relationships that are toxic because you know your worth.
So where can you get this confidence stuff? You can’t buy it in the store or download it off Itunes. It’s something you grow into. You cultivate. It takes time. However, there are a few steps you can take to ensure its growth.
First, make a checklist of dreams, big or small goals that you wish to accomplish. As you strive to achieve them, track your progress by journaling. Keep tabs on how far you’ve come as you meet certain milestones, and consider keeping a gratitude journal. A list of things you are grateful for will help you remember what you have, and that shukr to Allah SWT, should instill a sense of awe and appreciation within you.
Second, consider confronting your fears. Do you have a fear of heights? Do you have a colleague at work that always puts you down? Are you afraid of taking a solo trip abroad? Figure out if tackling some of those fears will help you to feel better about yourself. If you can address these fears head on, maybe they will give you a boost in the respectability and appreciation you have for yourself.
Third, tackle your anxieties through mindfulness practice. You could consider doing yoga or another mindfulness activity to cut through anxieties. Maybe consider seeing a therapist if you need help tackling deep seated anxieties. Another important factor is dua. You can use the dua from Prophet Musa:
“My Lord, expand for me my breast [with assurance] And ease for me my task And untie the knot from my tongue That they may understand my speech.”Surah Ta-Ha Ayat 25-28
Reciting that dua will help you in any situation, big or small, when you need confidence to move forward.
There’s a slight danger in adding confidence to your plate. There’s a chance that you can add so much confidence, that you are now on the verge of being arrogant or conceited. Be careful not to let all your accomplishments or successes in this life go to your head. When it comes to seeking love and marriage, people like people that like themselves. But they don’t want to be reminded of it at every second. Make sure to be balanced with your approach of showing self love and self appreciation, with an interest in the other person’s self. It’s okay to share about what makes you special, just make sure to engage with them enough that you are demonstrating you find them interesting. You should come to a point in your relationship where your admiration for them is put second to your admiration of yourself. Isn’t that what love is all about? Valuing the other person’s needs and wants over your own (within reason of course).
Above all, make sure you take it back to Allah SWT. How do you think He (SWT) sees you? Is he proud of your behavior and accomplishments? Are your actions and your person worthy of His love? If you are confident about your deeds and how they would weigh in your favor on the Day of Judgment, shouldn’t you stand strong with that knowledge?
Wherever you go for your confidence, make sure you have it when seeking love and marriage. For most, it’ll be a long journey, and at the end of every closed chapter, it’ll just be “me, myself and I” as Beyonce said… So make sure you’re happy with the person you’ve become and search for your partner who will inspire you to be even better. Creating a profile and looking for marriage an app can seem daunting; however, these tips on how you can develop confidence can reassure you and increase your chances of success! Displaying confidence on your Salams profile can help increase your matches and heighten your chances of finding your Salams Soulmate! Happy swiping!
Writer: Nailah Dean